The Never Been In a Fight Theorem

If you are over the age of 21 and have never punched someone, been punched by someone, or been in a physical altercation then you never will.

Possible Exception: You witness a loved one being assaulted.


The Waiter Never Brought That Theorem

If you state your order and at the last minute provide an addition to your meal - such as a side of focaccia or olives - while your waiter has already mentally or physically noted your order and is pulling away, you will never be served that additional request. Even if the waiter has signaled that they heard you. 

Addendum: That item will not be included on your check regardless of how much you wonder if it will be during the course of that meal.

Possible Exception: You place your own order on an iPad at an airport bar.


The Wedding Budget Theorem


A wedding can cost $5,000, $30,000, or $60,000. If you are planning a wedding for $20,000 it will soon become clear that you are $10,000 short.

Addendum: The moment you realize that your $20,000 wedding will cost $30,000 is the moment you ask your partner if you should maybe actually consider eloping. You won’t.